Urinal Etiquette for the Man's Man
By Adam Hill
Are you sick and tired of feeling that you are doing something wrong in the men’s room? Have you ever felt uneasy about another man standing too close? Do you feel that it is time for someone to make those unspoken rules spoken?
Well, that is where I can help with "Urinal Etiquette for the Man's Man",
Firstly, I should define "the Man's Man". This is not a man that belongs to another man. It is a man so manly and masculine, that all other men can only dream to aspire to his greatness, basically the perfect man.
As a “Man’s Man” it is my duty to help those lesser men to become the “manliest man” that they can be. Urinal etiquette is a very important aspect to a man’s life. There is a strict code, ten rules that all men should follow while at the urinal.
Rule 1: Do not speak unless spoken to, and even then, do not speak:
There is no need to recognize another man's existence while standing at a urinal let alone begin to converse with him. What could you possibly talk about that cannot wait or is even appropriate whilst you are both dangling free? Here are two possible topics that could arise:
- Family: Okay, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but another man does not care how good or bad things are at home, especially while urinating. This is hardly the time and definitely not the place for this conversation. Even when appropriate this will simply ruin the man’s day. You will either make them feel bad for you, or compared to you. Either way, no one needs to be burdened with your unwanted news while concentrating on the task at hand.
- Sex: We all know what brought this topic to mind, one glance at your package and you’re instantly thinking, sex. But no man wants to hear you boast about your conquests while you are both hanging free. This conversation may cause the other man to feel that you are propositioning him. Even if all of this is avoided and your story is short enough to tell in the time available it probably isn’t something worth boasting about anyway. Finally, love has no place in a public bathroom!
Rule 2: Do not take a friend:
You are not a woman, or else this would not apply to you. There is no need to travel in packs for safety. Nor do you need the time to gossip about the cute guy checking you out, or how fat Debby looks in that dress. No conversation that will ever occur between two men will be so important that is cannot wait the 27.5 seconds it takes for the average man to urinate (1 minute 24 seconds where the prostate has become a problem). Even if there is (which I doubt) this is not the time, or the place for such a “mind blowingly” important conversation to take place.
Rule 3: Choosing the appropriate urinal:
If available, you should always use the corner urinal because is that it is the best position for hiding your package from those wandering eyes. More importantly, it allows you to hide your shame or alternatively, prevent others from realizing theirs. If the corner urinals are unavailable it is important to leave at least a one urinal gap between yourself and the nearest man. If the only urinals left are directly next to other men, wait! If you are in such a desperate need to urinate that you cannot wait (27.5 seconds) always remember; the nearest bush is never too far away.
Rule 4: Never use the stall for anything other than that which is not appropriate for the urinal:
The male public stall is off limits for urination. As one of the most delightfully disgusting places on earth, a feat achieved through competitive art. Men have an innate desire to compete in all aspects of life. It is our way of showcasing our brilliance to the world. This desire is the reason why you cannot walk into a single public stall in the world and not have a little surprise waiting for you; it is one man's way of saying to the next,
"Hey, I was here, look what I can do, can you do that?"
This, along with the wonderful shapes, textures and smells that come with this little gift, challenge the next man to either add to the collection, or to better it on their own, creating a more impressive “floating surprise” for the next man. Urine has no place in the stall, as it does not adequately add to the impressiveness of the display. It will not change the colour, texture or shape of this art, it merely takes up space.
Rule 5: Eyes forward at all times:
Okay, aiming is hard enough without taking a blind shot. No matter how curious you may be about what is going on around you, you must look directly ahead of you at all times, however you can take a glance down to admire the progress that you are making. But refrain from being over zealous: sighing, gasping or uttering the phrase "OOH YEAH!" This will inadvertently attract unwanted attention to your situation, or cause you to look around to see if anyone noticed. This could lead to others getting the wrong idea, thinking you were reacting to their artillery. For this same reason eye contact is prohibited
Rule 6: Do not take food or drink into the men’s room:
You people are disgusting! You are expelling waste, yet consuming more at the same time.
Rule 7: No touching:
This refers to anything, anyone, anywhere at any time in the men's room. We all know that aiming can be an extremely challenging task at times, therefore anything that hits the floor is immediately off limits, this includes money, mobile phones or car keys, which are covered under the term ANYTHING.
When washing your hands, only turn the tap on, never off. Do you guys ever stop to think for even one second? Does the tap get washed with your hands? And what has every man doing or holding immediately turning it on?
Touching another man in the men's room is just wrong! The only time that this may be considered acceptable is if the man has collapsed or is dying. However this is a tricky situation, as they have hit the floor and are technically off limits. Otherwise even tapping a man on the shoulder to signal for some paper towel is strictly prohibited. This could be seen as assault towards the other man. Let me ask you: Would you assault a man anywhere else?
Rule 8: Pants up around your waist at all times:
If you have not learned this by the age of 5 or 6 you should be ashamed. I feel like a paedophile seeing a young boy is standing there with their pants around their ankles. This is not a peep show. Even if I accept this with children, grown men are a different story, it just isn’t necessary for your pants to be so far down, Also they are touching the floor! (Refer to Rule 7) The fly is the only thing that should ever be undone. If your pants don’t have a fly, wear ones that do. If you do not own any pants with a fly. Buy some!
Rule 9: Once entering the urinal, do not stop for a chat with anyone:
The only reason I can even think of for this is: you coincidentally run into a long lost friend that you have not seen in years. Even if this is the case, it is not acceptable. At the urinal, acknowledgement of another mans existence is strictly prohibited. No matter how close you are in the world outside you should not even recognize a man in the rest room as this would require eye contact.
Rule 10: Sounds that are appropriate in the men’s room:
Only a select few sounds are acceptable within the male rest room, they are:
- The sweet sound of urination. This is the sound of relief; no further interjections are require to express this relief.
- The tap should constantly be heard running, because as explained it should always be on. Turning it off is disgusting. This sound also helps anyone struggling to do their business.
- The flush, a sound that signifies success. This sound would be deserving of applause if not for the fact that applauding would break many of the other rules. You would be not only making a sound that is not allowed but would also be recognizing existence of the other man.
If all else fails, remember "hold your peace, while holding your piece."
You have been informed; the rules are there in black and white. Don’t get caught out, do the right thing by your fellow man. Respect the rules and you will be one step closer to becoming a “Man’s Man”